Glad that the bloody band was banned

Supporting (or even having a casual interest in) England's workmanlike football team has long been a source of agony, interspersed with occasional cruel glimpses of hope, which have been dashed at every turn. The last time England won anything was before substitutes were introduced, and goalkeepers probably still smoked and ate cream cakes during the game. Football of that era is now so distant is is incomparable with the modern game. So, in reality, England have never won anything in terms of what football is now.

They have been particularly poor in European competitions, with their best performance in the modern era being the semi-final appearance in Euro '96, which ended in inevitable penalty defeats to ze Chermans and caused brainless thugs to smash up any car that sounded vaguely German, including Volvo(!). Since those relatively halcyon days, England performances have mainly been confined to squandering possession, huffing and puffing a lot and smashing hopeful shots into the stratosphere from 60 yards. Then 'plan B' usually starts 10 minutes after kick-off as they wilt in the heat; and involves either the goalie or centre-half lumping the ball onto the noggin of some guile-less forward.

I'm not overwhelmed by how England play, and that much is pretty evident from my previous paragraph, I guess. So I was pleasantly surprised by England's performance against the cowardly and supremely arrogant French in the opening group game. They did attempt to run with the ball (a technique those in the continent call 'dribbling') and even strung about 5 passes together before panicking and letting the other team have a go. Hodgson seems to have them well-drilled and has given license to the few decent players we possess to do something inspirational. The atmosphere seemed better, too; and then it dawned on me: The bloody England band was conspicuous by its absence.

South Africa 2010 was obviously the worst world cup ever, marred as it was by the sound of a billion vuvuzelas being blown by the locals and well-meaning foreigners adopting the 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em' mantra. It was bloody awful. Every England game in recent memory has been marred in the same way, by the stupid England supporter's band. They are shite. If I wanted to hear the 'Great Escape' theme being torturously rendered 100 times in the space of 90 minutes then they would be the best band ever, but unfortunately I don't so they aren't.

Synonymous with failure, the band are all that can be heard as England are assailed by superior passing, movement and technical ability, which hushes the crowd to worried murmurs. Then, like an unwelcome phoenix, the sound of tinny trumpets and inexpertly banged drums rises to fill the panicked void, punctuated by the occasional half-hearted cry of 'England', as the sozzled supporters empty their bowels while the pressure builds. The band do not help matters at all. They merely annoy those watching the game on the telly, and they must make the supporters in the ground want to kill them.

So thank god then (for I now believe that there is a god, based on this act of benevolence alone) That the Ukrainian security did not let the band ruin yet another football match. They quite rightly told them to fuck off, which was a genius move. Hopefully they will not be allowed to play ever again. The band is basically a collection of trumpet players who can't play the trumpet, and drummers who cannot drum in time with each other. There is something quintessentially English about that, and it is something outmoded and embarrassing we need to discard, like racism or the royal family.


6 comments:

  1. I am not commenting on this. Its my basic policy for football. I'd have though better of you BYM...
    I hope BigLes does the same. (assuming he/she is still alive. If he/she IS still alive, have you got him/her captive ? I worry about BigLes.)

    Football and the Olympics. Its like death-by-morons. No TV/radio for months. Stupid dirty public.

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  2. have you seen this - big Social Media backfire for Pukka Pies.:

    http://www.facebook.com/pukkapiesenglandband/posts/10151190064773206

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    1. Wow, great stuff. This is my favourite retort: "The best thing about the game was being able to watch it without those awful trumpet-molesting, pie-shilling, tuneless egotists. A lifetime ban from all grounds for them would be great."

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  3. That annoying band are like a kid popping his fingers in his mouth and going 'Plooooop', some idiot on a stag night dressed as a monkey and grunting with a banana, a window cleaner or postman whistling, chuggers in a town centre, you get the picture? Try sitting next to that tuneless cacaophony for 90 minutes without feeling the urge to shout 'Look you selfish freeloaders, I've paid 40 quid for a ticket, you lot are breaching stadium regulations, wind it in or that steward will eject you'.....
    Being English we tolerate this racket.

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    1. Monkeys don't have a dress code, they prefer to wander around naked unless you bribe them to wear clothes. Unless you meant "dressed as an ape", in which case I'm offended.

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  4. The Great Escape is a damned silly tune to play in a football ground. Colonel Bogey would be much better, especially when singing the "Hitler has only got one ball" lyric in a match against Germany.

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